Things Will Get Really Out of Control
if David Foster Wallace Doesn’t Do His Laundry Soon
I’ve not published many novels and short story collections. Here are 11 more books I didn’t publish.
- David Foster Wallace Gets Serious about His Laundry. A morally passionate, passionately moral fiction that tells what it is to have fucking clean clothing. An ironically unironic story about laundry that includes a 7 page footnote describing the manufacturing process and chemical composition of detergent packets.
- What to Expect When You are Expecting Beelzebub. A new book for a new generation of moms carrying the antichrist, featuring a fresh perspective on carrying Satan’s son, in a friendly voice that doesn’t shame a mother for starting the Apocalypse.
- Fifty Shades of Evolution. The torrid, erotic affair of two in physical, dysfunctional relationship.
- The Harbinger, A Rebuttal. Is it possible that there exists an ancient mystery that holds the secret of America’s future, that lies behind everything from 9/11 to the European debt crisis to discontinued King Size candy bars? No, it is not possible.
- The Boy Who Lacked Ambition. Autobiography masquerading as fiction. No fire, hornets, or dragon tattoos. Instead, sleep, slugs, and sloths.
- Gerald Ford: Badger Hunter. Henceforth my life shall be one of rigorous study and devotion. I shall become a master of mind and body. And this mastery shall have but one purpose … to hunt badgers.
- A Game of Chamber Pots. Some pissant becomes king of a miserable land with the help of his mommy.
- A Story Written on Pages: A Novel. A novel, apparently.
- Water for Llamas. Another Novel. A 93-year old runs away and joins a llama farm, described in well researched detail. He learns valuable life lessons.
- The Nonsense of Beginnings. Pre-modernist story that is an uplifting affirmation of life, told from the viewpoint of Timmy, an admirable human being.
- Three People and a Devastating Secret. The lives of a robot doctor, a toad thumper, and Dr. Who all intersect. By the end of the story, a devastating secret is revealed that will change their lives forever. Not only their lives, but the lives of their friends and family. The lives of all the gas station attendants and the wine tasters. The lives of Mountain Dew drinkers and celibate priests. The lives of everyone, changed forever.