Comeback Win for Whigs in 2012
Not to be outdone by Nate Silver and other statistic-based pundits, I, Unpublished Guy, have done my own statistical analysis and developed a forecast for the election tomorrow. According to my forecast, there is a 110% chance that the Whig Party will make a comeback after 160 years out of power, winning the Presidency, Senate, and House. What will be the consequences?
The consequences will be dire. Our country will be destroyed by the Whig principles of compromise and balance in government, national unity, and support for a national transportation network and domestic manufacturing.
While in power, the Whigs are certain to implement their 8-point plan:
- Demand government support for a more modern economy, in which middle management skill and expertise will count for more than the physical strength to tear phone books in half.
- Promote a vigorous program of government funded “internal improvements,” especially expansion of the canal systems
- Modernize the inner America
- Promote faster industrialization through high tariffs on immigration
- Propose prohibition to end the liquor problem
- Introduce moral learning into the public school system, thereby forcing immoral parents to begin home schooling their children
- Oppose the annexation of Texas once it secedes
- Push a grand bargain through Congress, finally settling the slavery issue
Hopefully, these impulses can be stopped dead in their tracks by an American people that prefer partisan opposition to popular political agreement.