Klosterman Hyperthetical – Cannibal’s Meta Quandary

Baby FoodBaby Food

You’re reading one of the Chuck Klosterman’s hypertheticals to a friend. You ask your friend to imagine that they have survived a plane crash in the Andes. To survive they must eat people, and if they had to choose, would they eat babies or old people? Does the gender of the meal make a difference?

Your friend thinks for a moment and then asks, “Are the people dead or alive?” If they were already dead, your friend says he would eat the babies. Old people are stringy and boney, but babies would have all that tasty fat. Girl baby meat exhibits particularly nice marbling.

If they were still alive, he and would settle for the old people. They could never kill a baby, but could easily kill an old person. In fact, they think they would very much enjoy killing old people. In fact, they confide, they have killed several old people already.

You outraged by his response. Everyone knows that baby boy meat exhibits more exquisite marbling.

What do you do? Do you confront your friend about his appalling ignorance regarding human baby meat?