Dear Unpublished Guy:
In response to your book proposal:
We applaud your effort to write a free verse epic villanelle. However, as is clearly stated in our submission guidelines we don’t accept Ambrose Bierce Wormhole Westerns. Clearly, the epic poem you submitted fits within that genre. Not only does the conflict in your story center on Ambrose Bierce falling into a wormhole, but Jerry O’Connell is Ambrose sidekick, and Ambrose has a climactic shootout with his own mustache.
Additionally, please refer to our stance on fiction that features Jerry O’Connell or mustaches as major characters:
While goatees and sideburns are acceptable personifications in stories we consider, we generally aren’t interested in publishing fiction where mustaches play a major role in the story. We don’t publish stories with Jerry O’Connell. If you insist on submitting fan fiction, please restrict your protagonist to Jason Bateman.
Your story features both Jerry O’Connel and a mustache. While it might have been possible to accept a story with a mustache as the antagonist, your fiction crosses the line of common sense by introducing Jerry O’Connell as the protagonist.
Editor, Teen Wolf Literary Journal