Catcher in the Rye Author Provides Customer Service
JD: This is JD Salinger, Why in Christ’s name have you called customer service?
Bessie (the Customer): This is Bessie Glass. I’m calling regarding my bill. JD: You do, eh? Would you do me the privilege of providing your telephone number or address, Mrs. Glass, so I can look up your account? Bessie: 111-111-1111 JD: How can I help you today, Mrs. Glass? Bessie: I’d like to know …
Sexual Position – Rhombus
He admired her proportions. She was perfectly dimensioned, measuring 2×1.3333333333333333333×2 cubits. Her face exhibited all the ideal symmetry ratios, and it scored 18 on the von Luschan chromatic scale. They commenced to mate in the tribunal of love.
Initially, they aligned themselves perpendicularly, then parallel. After 600K milliseconds and expending 4186 Joules in the parallel alignment, they adopted a rhomboid configuration that exponentially accelerated the flow of endorphins in their bloodstream.
5500 milliseconds …
Don’t Brainstorm, Practice Mental Proctology
I don’t like brainstorming. Brainstorming puts too much emphasis on thinking.
You can’t write a good book by thinking or using your brain in any way: You need to engage your rectalbrain, that is to say your true you. When you unplug your rectalbrain, you’ll be pulling stuff out of your ass, which is why I call my technique flushwriting. This is a relief-driven tool that I use constantly.
You’re reading one of the Chuck Klosterman’s hypertheticals to a friend. You ask your friend to imagine that they have survived a plane crash in the Andes. To survive they must eat people, and if they had to choose, would they eat babies or old people? Does the gender of the meal make a difference?
Your friend thinks for a moment and then asks, “Are the people dead or alive?” If they were …
@unpublishedguy #twitterfiction season five
S5E1 The crew is infected by a disease that turns them into children and wacky cuteness ensues.#twitterfiction
S5E2 The self-centered, self-absorbed crew of the Apathy learn a lesson in cooperation that is forgotten by the next episode #twitterfiction
S5E3 Yog Sogoth, Jr. struggles with its weird new feelings as it feels an attraction to Cmdr Salamander .#twitterfiction
S5E4 Another Old One appears & hops aboard the Apathy. Yog Soggoth, …
@unpublishedguy #twitterfiction season four
S4E1 The show jumps the shark when the crew adopts a Neanderthal named Crunge as their pet..#twitterfiction
S4E2 Robot-Alien-Neanderthal-Hologram love quadrilateral.#twitterfiction
S4E3 Old Spice records a day on the Apathy, observing Tactical Officer XX self-replicate & the mystery of missing underwear #twitterfiction
S4E4 The Apathy passes through a nebula resulting in an uneventful trip where uninteresting things happened.#twitterfiction
@unpublishedguy #twitterfiction season three
Dr. Crack completes an unrealistic holodeck simulation of a starship that transports families into dangerous situations.#twitterfiction
S3E2 The crew encounters a sub-space anomaly that transforms their uniforms from unitards to polka-dotted kilts.#twitterfiction
S3E3 Tactical Officer XX’s parents, X and Y visit, and she learns a hard lesson about interspecies relationships.#twitterfiction
S3E4 The crew go back in time, discover their grandfathers and murder them to demonstrate that the fluffy
@unpublishedguy #twitterfiction season two
S2E1 Yog Soggoth, Jr once again bothers the Apathy, claiming that a crew member we’ve never seen before is his cousin. #twitterfiction
S2E2 The Apathy is threatened when a holodeck character hijacks the ship & demands they chart a course for Cuba.#twitterfiction
S2E3 Dr Crack saves the life of a potato-based alien by sticking giant toothpicks in its sides & suspending it in water #twitterfiction
S2E4 Tactical Officer XX and
@unpublishedguy #twitterfiction season one
S1E1 Cdr Salamander leads the Apathy on its gazillionth voyage, to find a planetary station where they can gas up the ship. #twitterfiction
Comeback Win for Whigs in 2012
Not to be outdone by Nate Silver and other statistic-based pundits, I, Unpublished Guy, have done my own statistical analysis and developed a forecast for the election tomorrow. According to my forecast, there is a 110% chance that the Whig Party will make a comeback after 160 years out of power, winning the Presidency, Senate, and House. What will be the consequences?
The consequences will be dire. Our country …