Category: Excerpts from My Novel in Progress

50.3333333 shades of red, green, and blue in equal proportions

Sexual Position Rhombus
Sexual Position – Rhombus

He admired her proportions. She was perfectly dimensioned, measuring 2×1.3333333333333333333×2 cubits. Her face exhibited all the ideal symmetry ratios, and it scored 18 on the von Luschan chromatic scale. They commenced to mate in the tribunal of love.

Initially, they aligned themselves perpendicularly, then parallel. After 600K milliseconds and expending 4186 Joules in the parallel alignment, they adopted a rhomboid configuration that exponentially accelerated the flow of endorphins in their bloodstream.…

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Today’s Forecast 50 Shades of Grey

This is an erotic story about the weather.

50 Shades of Gray

Where 50 shades of grey clouds undulate through the sultry summer sky.

The wind blows, circling and pressing treetops, swaying rhythmically back and forth, up and down, suddenly springing free, erect against the considerable circumference of the earth. The storm clouds swell and heave, bigger and bigger until they burst and rain down on steamy slabs of asphalt. Lightning tentatively strikes. Silver balls of lightning … Oh …

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Writing on Deck – The Metafiction Myth – Pt 2

Continued from Writing on Deck – The Metafiction Myth – Pt1.

After taking her pills, she went to the coffee tap (nothing beats real coffee), but when she pushed the graphical button labeled POUR, the lovely, lovely java that came out was decaf. What would she do now? It was early in the day to start with the whiskey-straight pills …

Utnapishtim on Life Support

Utnapishtim on Life Support

Tashtego wrote:

I sent out a dove on the …

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Writing On Deck – The Metafiction Myth – Pt 1

A room full of writers writing

A room full of writers writing

Gerald entered the writing deck where many of the other guests were already busy developing his myth. Schlafen Ahab was not visible to the naked eye, but Holger Meins walked up and down and around the tables.

As he searched for an empty seat, Gerald looked over the guests’ shoulders and read fragments of what they were writing:

Queequeg wrote:

Pip walked down the alley. He had the feeling …

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Healthcare of the Old Ones, a Dental Plan

Nyarlathotep, Mighty Administrator of Ancient Health and Dental Plans

Nyarlathotep, Mighty Administrator of Ancient Health and Dental Plans

Gerald pulled the document from Schlafen Ahab’s drawer and read:

As a member of the Old Ones community, one of the most important benefits you’ve earned is incomprehensible health care coverage. Cynothoglys is the health care program for members of alternate dimensions and metafictional universes and their spawn. Cynothoglys also offers health care programs for transmogrified Old Ones.

The Cynothoglys dental program (CDP) is an …

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The Most Disappointing Sandwich.

I’ll have to go all out on some modifications, he muttered as a shambled off to the kitchen to rebuild his sandwich.

Ketchup, a Most Disappointing Condiment

Ketchup, a Most Disappointing Condiment

The bread was inadequate. It would need to be replaced with rye. Many did not appreciate rye, but he did. He could not bear the flaccid mushiness of white bread. Besides the bread had been ruined by the ketchup, that abomination of condiments, manufactured for the masses without …

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Impassioned Plea by Pit Bull

Pit Bull Pleas its Humanity

Pit Bull Pleas its Humanity

Ich arf ein pit bull. Arf not a pit bull eyes? Arf not a pit bull paws, which arf bit like hands and twice as many, and mushy bits inside, senses, slobber, and a passion for hunting rabbits? Fed with meats, vegetables, fruits, and feces, hurt with same slippers, subject to same diarrhea, healed by s0me doctor, warmed and cooled by same winter and summer, as child arf?

If you …

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Sorkinlogue: Dodging Skipping Zombies

Gerald, a cloned German terrorist, and a duck walked into a bar.

Copyright Gargoyle

The Zombie that Lives within Us

The clone raised his hand. “Barmann, zwei bourbons, ‘neat’.”

The German and Gerald walked briskly side by side, circling the barroom and weaving around guests.

“What brings you into town?” the clone asked.

After circling a moving waitress several times, Gerald paused in front of the TV. “I’ve been hired by a wealthy client to investigate a …

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Ishmael Returns to Whale of a Motel Room

After the fiasco with the stampeding herd of chevrotains, Ishmael returned to his room at the Pequod.

Motel Run Like a Whaling Ship

Motel Run Like a Whaling Ship

The light flickered the way bad motel room lighting stereotypically does. Ishmael Barz pulled a slab of hippopotamus meat out of the mini fridge and crammed it in the microwave. While waiting for the meat to cook, he ate some oranges. The breakfast nook in the lobby had crateloads of oranges, …

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Excerpt from Crime Thriller – Gerald Freund, Private Detective

The opening scene from my psychological post modern crime thriller cook book introduces the main character, X, whom I’ve yet to name officially.

Mystery Novel Excerpt - Opening to Gerald Freund, Private Detective

Crime Thriller Novel Excerpt – Opening to Gerald Freund, Private Detective

In this novel excerpt, the main character, a private detective, wrestles with existential anxiety and chickens.

It had been a rough night. A fire in the apartment three doors down. Flames billowing out of the window, and a man on fire

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Children’s Book – Wordplay Under a Hot Sun

Children's Book - Wordplay Under a Hot Sun

Novel Excerpt – Wordplay Under a  Hot Sun

While I’ve been hard at work on my novel, I decided I needed a break. With the success of the children’s book, Go the Fuck to Sleep, I decided I would write a children’s book of my own. Instead of an excerpt from my novel in progress, here is a passage from my children’s book, Wordplay Under a Hot Sun.

The man inhaled the hot dust kicked

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