Category: Literary Crypto-Criticism

2012 Election Forecast: Comeback Win for Whigs

Whigs Comeback Win in 2012
Comeback Win for Whigs in 2012

Not to be outdone by Nate Silver and other statistic-based pundits, I, Unpublished Guy, have done my own statistical analysis and developed a forecast for the election tomorrow. According to my forecast, there is a 110% chance that the Whig Party will make a comeback after 160 years out of power, winning the Presidency, Senate, and House. What will be the consequences?

The consequences will be dire. Our country …

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11 Ways to Avoid Writing


  1. Google “grammar rules semicolon”
  2. Google “writing the end of a story”
  3. Google “end of the world 2012″
  4. Google “2012 olympics”
  5. Google “nbc friday lineup”
  6. Google “friday night lights”
  7. Google “michael vick injury”
  8. Google “vicks vapor rub”
  9. Google “7 erotic back rubs”
  10. Google “The 7 Basic Universal Plots
  11. Google “How to overcome writer’s block”


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So Many Tools to Choose, So Little Fiction Published

Tools 365. 42
Drill Indecision Suggests Unpublished Success

How have I remained unpublished for so long?

Indecision has played a critical role in my success as an unpublished writer.

I once spent two hours trying to select a drill at Lowes. So many factors to consider.

  • Cord or cordless? Cordless would provide a certain amount of flexibility, while a drill that plugged right into the power grid offered a more substantial drilling experience. And if I was going
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David Foster Wallace Gets Serious About Laundry and other Books I Didn’t Publish

Things Will Get Really Out of Control if David Foster Wallace Doesn't Do His Laundry Soon,
Things Will Get Really Out of Control
if David Foster Wallace Doesn’t Do His Laundry Soon

I’ve not published many novels and short story collections. Here are 11 more books I didn’t publish.

  • David Foster Wallace Gets Serious about His Laundry. A morally passionate, passionately moral fiction that tells what it is to have fucking clean clothing. An ironically unironic story about laundry that includes a 7 page footnote describing the manufacturing process and chemical
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Teaching, Writing, and Misshaping Minds

My proudest moment—working as an unqualified teacher sharing with uninspired youth my inability to write and publish. My teaching had a transitory impact on a few people.

Gift From My Writing Students
Gift From My Writing Students

Many writer’s can’t live on what they publish. As an unpublished fiction writer, I have felt even greater pressure to generate alternate revenue streams. My teaching provided more than meager revenue and academic disrespect. I had many opportunities to connect with today’s youth …

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How Can I Make My Fiction More Unappealing?

Fiction Every Bit as Appealing as Protose
Fiction Every Bit as Appealing as Protose

Early in my fictional career as a literary writer, I established milestones that would build my confidence on my way to publishing success.

The first milestone: profoundly impact at least one person with my fiction. I achieved this milestone quickly. A short story that I had written for a creative writing workshop had profoundly affected one of my classmates. The short story, “Pendanticia, the Uncensored Adventures of a …

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Kucinich Loss a Blow Against Ineffectiveness

Kucinich Wins Like the French and the French fight like the Ferengi

Kucinich Wins Like the French and the French fight like the Ferengi

Long regarded as a heretic on Ferenginar, traditionalists celebrated the defeat of Dennis Kucinich on March 6th. The orthodox Ferengi despised Kucinich because he was a caring, passionate man who ineffectively pushed his principled agenda. He stood alone, speaking the truth about power and corruption on Ferenginar.

He was one of the few who truly and ineffectually represented the Birkenstock consumer and not …

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Open Letter to Santorum – Separation of Science and State

Dear Rick Santorum:

The Michigan primary is nearly upon us, and you have an urge to puke. Understandable, with the assault on religion by socialists and phony theologies. I’m afraid it gets much worse, Mr. Santorum. During the struggle between church and state, the spectre of science has been stealthily corrupting our youth, as it casts a fearsome shadow of rigorous, free thinking over public schools.

I believe in an America where the separation of …

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Neko, Nico, Necco, My Blog Needs a Theme Song

Neko, Nico, Necco WafersNeko, Nico, Necco Wafers

My blog needs a theme song, and I’m asking you to help me decide what it should be.

  • Patterns by Simon and the other Guy. An empowering song about living life one day at a time.
  • Welcome to the Machine by Pink Floyd. A stirring tribute to the industrial revolution.
  • Porchlight by Neko Case. A romantic love song.
  • My Only Child by Nico. A happy song about childhood by a different
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Fair Use for Fun and Profit

Copyright Gargoyle

Copyright Gargoyle

When is it OK to rip off copyrighted material? It all depends on the ambiguity of fair use. Difficult to define, but you know it when you see it. Here are some examples of fair use, as far as Unpublished Guy is concerned.

  • Schindler’s List reimagined as a slapstick comedy
  • Parody T-shirt of Aqua Teen Hunger Force drawn in the illustrative style of William Blake
  • Squids on a Wing Pt II
  • Kate Winslet’s
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