Category: My Lists

11 Ways to Avoid Writing


  1. Google “grammar rules semicolon”
  2. Google “writing the end of a story”
  3. Google “end of the world 2012″
  4. Google “2012 olympics”
  5. Google “nbc friday lineup”
  6. Google “friday night lights”
  7. Google “michael vick injury”
  8. Google “vicks vapor rub”
  9. Google “7 erotic back rubs”
  10. Google “The 7 Basic Universal Plots
  11. Google “How to overcome writer’s block”


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David Foster Wallace Gets Serious About Laundry and other Books I Didn’t Publish

Things Will Get Really Out of Control if David Foster Wallace Doesn't Do His Laundry Soon,
Things Will Get Really Out of Control
if David Foster Wallace Doesn’t Do His Laundry Soon

I’ve not published many novels and short story collections. Here are 11 more books I didn’t publish.

  • David Foster Wallace Gets Serious about His Laundry. A morally passionate, passionately moral fiction that tells what it is to have fucking clean clothing. An ironically unironic story about laundry that includes a 7 page footnote describing the manufacturing process and chemical
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If Spock Were an Animal Instead of a Star Trek Officer

Based on solid scientific evidence that I mostly made up, I know what animals Star Trek characters would be reincarnated as.

 Vulcan-pit bull hybrid
Vulcan-pit bull hybrid

It is a proven fact that dogs are more logical than chimps, because they can take a hint. A dog has mastered his emotions and understands his master’s pointing as a form of communication. A chimpanzee is a slave to his emotions. So logically this makes Spock the most domesticated Star …

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Yog-Sothoth and other Halloween Costume Rejects

A change of pace from catastrophic fiction to catastrophic Halloween costumes.

 Azathoth Costume and other Costumes Heralding My Doom

Yog-Sothoth Costume and other Costumes Heralding My Doom

I’ve often undertaken an ambitious fiction project with multiple themes and layers of meaning, the next Moby Dick, that instead ends up being the next unfinished, unpublished Atlas Shrugged. Likewise, I had several costume misadventures this year.

  1. First, inspired by the fluke man of X-Files fame, I thought I would be an anchovy man. Canned
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11 Moments for the Unpublished Writer

Moments that grip, surprise, twist, amuse, frighten, and seduce have no business in fiction. The unpublishable writer must consider half-baked, haphazard moments. The story won’t elevate to the level of unreadable unless it’s stuffed full of these moments.

  • The moment when the writer settles on an ill-conceived, contrived concept.
  • A strong deterrent in the first few pages of the group that discourages the reader from proceeding any further
  • The introduction of an impotent, uninteresting protagonist
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