Dr. Zaius Rates the Literary Journal, Paris Review

Unpublished Guy: Dr. Zaius, what literary publication will you share today with the readers of this blog?

Dr. Zaius: This month, I would like to discuss the Paris Review. Specifically, I would like to discuss issue 110, which published the story "The Ape Lady in Retirement" by T.C. Boyle. Initially, I was skeptical about this story. What could a man have to say about a female ape? As I began reading this story, I was further dismayed to learn that the ape lady was not a simian at all. In fact, it was a female of the species of man that demeans the chimpanzee in the story, trying to revert it from civilized to primitive behavior. Beatrice Umbo, the so-called Ape Lady, had an advantage with a chimpanzee, due to that simian's pacifistic tendencies. A gorilla or orangutan would not tolerate that sort of behavior from a human. To accept such treatment from man would be heresy to the orangutan and emasculating to the gorilla.

(Unpublished Guy Disclaimer: Note that the Dr. Zaius observes the ape hierarchy of his own multiverse. Most primate behaviorists in this reality would agree that chimpanzees—our closest evolutionary relative—are more aggressive and warlike than orangutans or gorillas.)

Dr. Zaius: As repulsed as I had been with the story, my opinion changed dramatically with the story's ending. Konrad, the story's simian hero, drummed the life out of someone in Umbo's pack. For publishing a story about a simian's rebellion against man's sadistic so-called scientific experiments, I award the Paris Review my highest simian rating for a publication: Four Durians.

Unpublished Guy: Thank you for the review, Dr. Zaius. For those that are interested in submitting to the Paris Review, the literary publication only accepts submissions by mail. It pays five cents per word and according to my ancient copy of the Novel & Short Story Writer's Market, it accepts literary fiction (no genre fiction here)—about half-a-percent of the manuscripts it receives, including new writers.