Death by Dr. Zaius, one of many missed opportunities in this anthology of short stories, Machine of Death. All of the stories are about a machine (of death) that tells you how you are going to die. It takes a blood sample and spits out a card with a cryptic word or two. The title of each story reflects the manner of death. More misses than hits and many missed opportunities.

… Read the rest

Back by unpopular demand: a video prompt. Now, I’m calling them literary writing prompts. I’m expecting great things, people.

After viewing the video begin writing.

Look into the Abyss

I had a dream that SOPA would pass and the freedom to regulate would prevail.

I had a dream that my two grown children, living in my basement and the spare bedroom, would one day surf the Internets where they will not judge web pages by the color of their themes but by their lack of content.

I had a dream that books would be burned and e-book bytes would be … Read the rest

An allegorical polemic by a radical moderate.

Mr. Left always wanted some of Mrs. Right’s Skittles, but she never shared. Mr. Left was always sniveling and whining about fairness. Mrs. Right had a low tolerance for Mr. Left’s complaints. Life isn’t fair and that is all there is to it. He should get his own Skittles. Of course, it was a completely different matter when she needed him to run out for a pregnancy … Read the rest

Never use an adverb to modify dialogue. Don’t use words like ejaculate and vociferate. Even better: Completely unmodified dialogue.

“Where are you?”
“I’m over here.
“What are you doing over there?”
“My God, I’m full of methane.”
“Why don’t you come over here?”
“Alright, I’ll go over there.”
“Now, that you’re over here, I have something important to ask you.
“What’s that smell?”
“I don’t know. What do you want to do?”
“Doesn’t matter to … Read the rest

It’s only a matter of time before self-publishing becomes the next traditional publishing, an outmoded, outdated form of publishing. You-publishing is the next wave of publishing. With you-publishing, you publish my novels and collections of short stories. You-publishing can be a smart choice for writers that are me. It’s cost-effective (for me) , low effort way for me to transition from the unpublished lifestyle. It costs much less than other methods of publishing, because you … Read the rest

Kate Winslet Naked

I only watch movies when Kate Winslet is naked. The first movie I saw was Titanic, then I saw Holy Smoke and Quills. I didn’t watch many movies for the next five years. I did watch Eternal Sunshine of the Mind, even though Kate Winslet wasn’t naked, and then I saw Little Children, in which she was naked in numerous positions. I haven’t seen The Reader, yet, in which Kate Winslet was … Read the rest

Dear Unpublished Guy:

I usually don’t respond to the pathetic pleas of a person who has made the misplaced presumption that they are a writer. As I indicated in my initial communication, your submission exceeded our gazette’s word count by a magnitude of 100. Perhaps more to the point, you submitted the novel, Moby Dick, copied verbatim.

I’m afraid that I am not moved by your fair use argument. Your postmodern tom foolery would have … Read the rest

My weekly supply of adderal

A frenetic writing style that exposes the reader to a wide range of topics and rapid fire thoughts.  The primary writing style of Kathy Acker.  The fiction excerpt is a contemporary-crime-thriller-historical science fiction-literary romance.

Kim Jong-il is dead, and I like dogs. It’s better to eat dogs than pigs, because pigs are smarter. Bacon is tasty. Kittens are tasty. You shouldn’t keep chimps as pets. The rain forest is falling.

… Read the rest

A foray into uncreative nonfiction resulted in this dry, impressively thick, and dreadful tome.

 Guns, Germs, and Mutton Chops, a Pulitzer Prize Loser and New York Times NonSeller

Unpublished Guy incompetently argues that facial hair shaped the modern world. Societies that had had a head start in developing sophisticated facial hair configurations advanced beyond motley bands of hunters and developed full-blown military regiments—as well as syphilis and potent shaving kits for grooming—and haberdashed on sea … Read the rest

Based on solid scientific evidence that I mostly made up, I know what animals Star Trek characters would be reincarnated as.

Vulcan-pit bull hybrid

It is a proven fact that dogs are more logical than chimps, because they can take a hint. A dog has mastered his emotions and understands his master’s pointing as a form of communication. A chimpanzee is a slave to his emotions. So logically this makes Spock the most domesticated Star … Read the rest