Guns, Germs, and Mutton Chops Loses Pulitzer Prize

A foray into uncreative nonfiction resulted in this dry, impressively thick, and dreadful tome.

Guns, Germs, and Mutton Chops, a Pulitzer Prize Loser and New York Times NonSeller

 Guns, Germs, and Mutton Chops, a Pulitzer Prize Loser and New York Times NonSeller

Unpublished Guy incompetently argues that facial hair shaped the modern world. Societies that had had a head start in developing sophisticated facial hair configurations advanced beyond motley bands of hunters and developed full-blown military regiments—as well as syphilis and potent shaving kits for grooming—and haberdashed on sea … Read the rest

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If Spock Were an Animal Instead of a Star Trek Officer

Based on solid scientific evidence that I mostly made up, I know what animals Star Trek characters would be reincarnated as.

 Vulcan-pit bull hybrid
Vulcan-pit bull hybrid

It is a proven fact that dogs are more logical than chimps, because they can take a hint. A dog has mastered his emotions and understands his master’s pointing as a form of communication. A chimpanzee is a slave to his emotions. So logically this makes Spock the most domesticated Star … Read the rest

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Sandwich-Making and Other Subplots

Die technik des sandwich-making dramas

Die technik des sandwich-making dramas

Like all great American novels, this novel will have numerous subplots, illustrated by the plot-lines diagram, including five thousand words devoted to a sandwich-making subplot in which a sandwich is systematically assembled and unassembled multiple times until the desired sandwich is achieved.… Read the rest

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Purple Haze Writing Style

Purple Prose All in my Brain

Dense, ambiguously descriptive style. Purple haze is sensually evocative beyond any precision. In the following excerpt the narrator is deeply moved by the exquisite beauty of some things and other stuff.

It was a darkish and precipitous time period; the stuff fell in large quantities—except at other times, when it was checked by a rather excessively robust bunch of air which moved up the the long walky drivy windy

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Eye of Newt Gingrich

Eye of Newt Gingrich

A dark convention hall. In the middle, a Caldron boiling. Thunder.

Enter the three Politicians.

1 Politician. Thrice the political cat fight mew’d.
2 Politician. Thrice and once, the pork barrel whin’d.
3 Politician. ’tis time! ’tis time!
1 Politician. Round about the caldron go;
In the poison’d Romney throw.—
Political Toady, under cold stone,
Days and nights has thirty-one;
Long knives pulled out,
Boil thou first i’ the charmed pot!
ALL. Double, … Read the rest

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Hamlet Writing Monkey Writing Style

Surrender yourself to the random nature of the universe and allow yourself to effortlessly write Hamlet–eventually.

Hamlet complements ghost without the prospective diagram. A back works over our nonsense. Near the designer boggles the look. Can ghost consent against the choral? The dreadful electorate comforts Hamlet throughout a moderate apolitical climate change.
Within the master ascends the gender. When can Hamlet speculate under the fountain? Hamlet caves Polonius next to his relief. Near Polonius responds

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Character List for November Novel

Schlafen Ahab and Other Fiction Characters

Schlafen Ahab and Other Fiction Characters

  • Gerald Freund. Protagonist. Private detective solving a mystery in the town of Romulus, Michigan. German born, he is not on good terms with his father, due to his marriage to an imaginary Turkish woman. Relentless in his pursuit of relative truth, he fears nothing but dogs, especially if they are dressed as clowns.
  • Yog Soggoth, Jr.Gerald’s best friend, asexual Old One from the Vortex dimension that sometimes appears
  • Read the rest

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Character Sketch – Yog Soggoth Jr, Perceiver of the Mundane

Yog-Soggoth Jr is a native of the Vortex dimension. The dimension is home to Yog’s tribe of Old Ones, who devour the fried skin of their enemies, cooked the way Kassigtha used to make. While in the Human dimension he prefers a diet of zombie brains and root beer.

Although the son of a major Elder, Yog Jr choose to leave his dimension out of curiousity to see more of the multiverse and to experience … Read the rest

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Ishmael’s Father

Gerald was born in 1949 near Dresden, Germany. His father, Mr. Krumplegumbledumpling, and his mother, Mrs. Krumplegumbledumpling, fled the East in 1951 under a moonlit sky with the barks of dogs resounding all around. As a result of the harrowing experience, Gerald believed he was a werewolf, and he developed a fear of dogs. In order to cure his son’s fears, his father had him attacked regularly by dogs—dachshunds, chihuahuas, three-legged beagles, Scottish terriers,giant poodles—all … Read the rest

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Writing on Deck – The Metafiction Myth – Pt 2

Continued from Writing on Deck – The Metafiction Myth – Pt1.

After taking her pills, she went to the coffee tap (nothing beats real coffee), but when she pushed the graphical button labeled POUR, the lovely, lovely java that came out was decaf. What would she do now? It was early in the day to start with the whiskey-straight pills …

Utnapishtim on Life Support

Utnapishtim on Life Support

Tashtego wrote:

I sent out a dove on the … Read the rest

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Writing On Deck – The Metafiction Myth – Pt 1

A room full of writers writing

A room full of writers writing

Gerald entered the writing deck where many of the other guests were already busy developing his myth. Schlafen Ahab was not visible to the naked eye, but Holger Meins walked up and down and around the tables.

As he searched for an empty seat, Gerald looked over the guests’ shoulders and read fragments of what they were writing:

Queequeg wrote:

Pip walked down the alley. He had the feeling … Read the rest

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