The Most Disappointing Sandwich

The bread was inadequate. It would need to be replaced with rye. Many did not appreciate rye, but he did. He could not bear the flaccid mushiness of white bread. Besides the bread had been ruined by the ketchup, that abomination of condiments, manufactured for the masses without regard to style or taste.

Ketchup, a fickle condiment that is put on all manner of food. Whether it be sandwich or burger or fry or hot dog. Ketchup will mix indiscriminately. Almost as bad as mustard, but at least there were different sorts of mustards. French’s was a bastard mustard that was no better than Ketchup, but other mustards were more refined and had dignity and taste and would be suitable for a sandwich such as the one he desired to make, but today it would not be mustard. It would be a seasoned mayonnaise with a hint of lemon and made from eggs hatched from organically cloned chickens.

As he disassembled the sandwich it became clear, just how many modifications needed to be made. The insipid lettuce, no better than water, would need to be replaced with bean sprouts. He’d wished he’d had broccoli sprouts on hand, but he was cash strapped of late, and the broccoli sprouts were beyond his economic reach. He would settle for the bean sprouts. Thank God there were cucumbers. Without cucumbers, this sandwich would have been an unmitigated disaster.

He set down a slice of rye, spread a discreet amount of the seasoned lemon mayo on the slice. Too much would be an assault on the palette, so he had to get it just right. He placed three pinches of sprouts on the bread, and then sliced the cucumber.
What next? He needed cheese. Provolone was unacceptable, hardly better than cheddar. Muenster would have been an acceptable improvement, but barely. Where was the Havarti? What kind of place was this? No Havarti. He skipped the cheese altogether.

Finally, the meat. The original sandwich had fine slices of Tiroler Spiced Ham Sausage. He tried to salvage as much as he could, but so much had been contaminated by the Ketchup, he had to replace the meat with Beerwurst, of which there was plenty on hand.
No sandwich would be complete without anchovies.