New Years Resolutions

  • I will lose 9 pounds.

  • I will eat healthy.

  • I will exercise more.

  • I will master the 1985 arcade game Paperboy, while riding a virtual bicycle.

  • I will save money.

  • I will make new friends.

  • I will take up a new hobby

  • I will lose 900 pounds.

  • I will get to bed earlier at night, and masturbate earlier in the morning.

  • I will read more true crime fiction

  • I will learn a new skill.

  • I will feast on the hearts of my enemies and remember to take the recycling out every Tuesday.

  • This time, I will successfully recite the incantations from the Necronomicon and summon Cthulhu to pave the way for the return of the Old Ones to harvest humanity, because the Old Ones really love a good skin suit. And they have a good dental plan!

  • I will stop dealing Dick Clark’s blood on the black market.

  • I will hone my tracking skills with the goal of entrapping and dispatching the next yacht full of hapless ne’re-do-wells, who veer to close to my secret human hunting island, in record time.

  • I will get a new job.

  • I will choose a successor to lead my post-World War II alternate history of a totalitarian Lichtenstein that rules the world.

  • I will stick to that Gelato and vaginal transudate diet for the entire year.

  • I will stop spending so much money on my armadillo foot fetish.

  • I will adopt an army of puppies and train them to hunt in Pokemon Go