Office Emails of the Old Ones

If someone does another reply all to the company wide distribution list, the walls will bleed red with the sacrifice of the old ones who cannot grasp how distribution email lists work

Please hang your human skin suits in the skin suit closet and not over your chair or the side of your cubicle. We don’t want higher deities visiting our offices and thinking we’re still the amphibious demigods of the last teraannum.

Please use Outlook Calendar to schedule your use of the portal. There are many legitimate reasons for to project yourself into the human dimension. However, many others would like to use the portal, and it’s not considerate to block our portal time when you don’t even a have a well organized virgin sacrifice in the human dimension to facilitate your travel through the portal. Please have an agenda and use your time with the portal wisely.

I want to make it clear that we do not condone the actions of the Gugs. They do not speak or act on our behalf. That is exactly why we banished them to the underworld. Any fraternization with Gugs must be reported and cleared by the Inhuman Resources department.

Attendance to the all staff meeting is mandatory. Inspirational CEO, Hastur the Unspeakable, will be sharing the company’s vision in accordance with the Yellow Sign. Hastur will be speaking through the incarnation of Feaster from Afar. Stick around for the raffle and happy hour afterwards. Lucky raffle-winners will have their brains siphoned out of their skulls by the Feaster’s razor-tipped tentacles.

Please keep e-mail communications professional. It is not appropriate to say that we will be *marketing the crap* out of the second coming of Cthulhu. Likewise, we should not be referring to the Rituals and Summoning department as bunch of fucking dumb asses.