You are now the property of the penal administration of the Canadian Gulag, a wholly owned subsidiary of The Trump Organization, in partnership with the Greater Federated Russian Confedaration Formerly Known as the Soviet Union (the GFRCFKSU) that now controls the Great White North, as well as most of the former United States.

Your crime? Saying something mean about President Trump. I don't know what you said, eh, but I'm quite sure it was rude and discourteous, whatever it was.

Do not think about escape. It is not possible, eh. The Pacific and Atlantic Oceans to the West and East. To the North, thanks to Trump's Climate Change Acceleration and Beach Front Property Consolidation Initiative, an iceless Arctic Ocean. You can try to seek refuge on the Alaskan Islands, but why would you, eh? Just a bunch of chirps over there.

Likewise to the South your chances of escape are just as dismal, you have the Russian half of America (the good Trump half) and the Chinese half (the bad no Trump half). The borders between either of these halves and Canada are protected with very high walls. Don't even try it, eh. You might make it into the Mad Max zone between the two Americas, but you better hope that you don't fall prey to Lord Humungus and end up as a hood ornament, eh.

A first attempt at escape will add two years of hard donut making to your sentence. A second attempt will mean five additional years of intensively competitive curling. A third attempt makes you mandatorily eligible for the hit new show, Ice Skating Death Games, produced and sponsored by the Trump Organization.

Make no mistake about it. Your life here will be almost quite uncomfortable. We'll give you the gears until you break under the harsh duress of mild to moderate labor. Things like dry cleaning Donald's suits and getting him a cup of coffee when he visits. Don't expect the guards to be anything but unforgivingly polite.

And so you are to live out of the rest of your intolerable days eating poutine, drinking cases of two-fours, and choking on the cleanest air on the planet. And it will be really cold, sometimes. Make the best of it, and you might just survive.

Now, don your green denim Gulag suits, eh?