Sometimes, I’ll set the publish date for one date. Let’s say March 15, the Ides of March. But actually I was publishing on another date. Let’s say March 20.
Clearly his decision-making left a lot to be desired. First off, he was wandering through a maze. Never a good start. The Minotaur. The Shining. Nothing good ever happened in mazes.
Yet, here he was wandering through one right now, guided by a strange old man he’d met at a pub. Why would anyone follow a complete stranger into a maze in a foreign land? Especially a guy that limped with a little crooked wooden can and wore in eye patch and went on and on about ancient rites and rituals and something about the old ones.
Apparently, it was the sort of thing he would does, because here he was, drifting towards his ultimate demise and wondering how he ended up there. And now, of course, the wolves howling. And the mist. And the full moon. None of this suggested that things were going to turn out well.
So it did not surprise him at all when they had reached the center of the maze, and the old man had transformed into a werewolf or a tentacled Cthulhu or whatever. It didn’t really matter what it was. Suffice to say that he’d once again found himself leaving a pub or bar or roadside moonshine stand and ending up in an unhappy situation. One that he’d reflect on later and feel a deep-seeded feeling of existential dissatisfaction.
The old man completed his transformation into some sort of horrific creature that should have stuck fear into his heart. But really, this sort of thing happened all the time.
So here was the part, where he would flee. He started to run, but his heart really wasn’t into it. He’d likely need a lot of coffee and ibuprofen tomorrow.
Name of Accused: Braddock, Benjamin
Accused loitered on Elaine Robinson’s college campus, where he was not a student, and repeatedly made unwanted advances to Elaine Robinson in the school library, in her own classroom, and other places that invaded Elaine Robinson's private space. The Accused persisted in these behaviors, despite the fact that Ms Robinson established clear boundaries by stating that the accused should “clear off”
Accused accosted Elaine Robinson and her fiancé, Carl Smith, at the San Francisco zoo, and made bizarre observations about the monkeys at the zoo.
Through subterfuge and misrepresentation, the Accused secured the location of the wedding of Elaine Robinson and Carl Smith with the purpose of disrupting the ceremonies and causing a "real scene".
Charge: Impersonated Clergy
According to the Santa Barbara gas station attendant, the Accused claimed to be clergy officiating the wedding of Elaine Robinson and Carl Smith in order to use a phone to determine the location of the wedding.
Charge: Disorderly Conduct
At the wedding of Elain Robinson and Carl Smith, the Accused pounds on glass from a balcony overseeing the wedding ceremony. Multiple witnesses report the accused shouting "Elaine"
The Accused allegedly assaulted Mr. Robinson on two occasions. First, in the accused's apartment after an argument had ensued when Mr. Robinson attempted to protect his daughter from the accused's unwanted advances.
The second assault occurred in front of multiple witnesses at the wedding ceremony of Elaine Robinson and Carl Smith. The accused beat Mr. Robinson with a large cross.
Charge: Abduction and Kidnapping
Having worn Elaine Robinson down psychologically and broken her, the Accused abducted her and escaped in the back of a Santa Barbara city bus.
They’d been drinking quite a bit before going to the Light Festival. While they’d stood in line for a ride the Ferris Wheel, a previously unfulfilled dating wish of his, she engaged a mother and her young kids waiting behind them, complimenting the young girl on her warrior costume.
(A car rammed into a crowd of protesters)
Once on the Ferris Wheel, they kissed, and out of the corner of his eye, he could see the Harbor spinning past as he pressed his hand between her legs and felt the wetness through her jeans.
The sex had been great fun with all the trappings that he enjoyed. Restraints and collars and floggers, and once he chained her to his mantel piece.
(and a state police helicopter crashed into the woods Saturday as tension boiled over at a white supremacist rally. The violent day left three dead, dozens injured)
And he thought nostalgically about the time while all four of her limbs were tied securely to the bed, he jammed his cock into her mouth.
And the time that she walked out of the shower in the morning, when she thought he had already left, stark naked with a towel wrapped around her head.
And when he went upstairs one night after watching an episode of the Wire, and she simply welcomed him into bed.
(The violent day left three dead, dozens injured, and this usually quiet college town a bloodied symbol of the nation’s roiling racial and political divisions)
But now, she pauses at the street crossing looking back, dressed in baggy pants and a black blouse, a single mother, adoptive daughter, religious rape survivor, recovered addict, and an international development worker. And then she waves goodbye and walks away.
( - Sarah Rankin, Associated Press)
In Interspecies Fuckland, a lot of fucking is going on. Romulans and Vulcans are intermingling to produce strange offspring with pointed ears. Klingons are violently copulating with humans, killing their mates and mounting their heads on spikes before giving birth to bumpy-headed babies doomed to a substandard living that lacks a good dental plan.
In Interspecies Fuckland, Cardassian night porters are performing sadomasochistic rituals on broken glass with the Bajorans they victimized during the occupation. The deviant behavior becomes more perverted by the fact that the Cardassian hemipenis doesn’t fit properly in any Bajoran orifices.
In Interspecies Fuckland, the Sheliak engage in contractual sexual relations that involves protracted foreplay in the form of legal maneuverings and negotiations to determine position, location, time , and amount of mucous that will be exchanged.
Inexplicably, the crossbreeding orgy of unmatched chromosomes by the different hominid species of the Alpha quadrant manage to produce reptile-ape-crustacean-squid offspring with bumpy ass-shaped heads, nineteen nostrils, fish mouths, webbed feet, hands covered with suckers, and leathery skin.
In the fucking free-for-all, the aliens of the 24th century are happy to get skull bonked by a giant hairy bug, but still get squeamish when faced with transgender Trills.
The most tolerant species in Interspecies Fuckland is the Slime Mold of Seti Prime which reproduces by consuming its mates, regardless of number and gender, and dissolving them to absorb their DNA.
Day 15 in Year 1205 of Our Lawgiver
“What’s so special about him?” I asked, when Zira first showed me this Bright Eyes, or Taylor, as he insisted on being called.
Zira, I’m afraid, was lost in his brutish, animal magnetism from the moment he scribbled a few words in the dirt. She coos over him. “Hello, Bright Eyes. How is Your Throat Today?”
Please. Give me a break.
It was bad enough I had to constantly grovel for Dr. Zaius. The “ape with the shovel” Zaius called me. No respect. Not from Dr. Zaius. Not even from that filthy man. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think Zaius had more respect for Bright Eyes than me. Would Zaius ever respect me? I am but a hapless passive chimp and not a crazy gun-wielding maniac.
Day 26 in Year 1205 of Our Lawgiver
That Taylor bastard is more trouble than he is worth. Well on his way to having his balls cut off if it weren’t for me. Any gratitude? Any gee, thanks Cornelius for saving me from castration? No, instead he simply bec0mes arrogantly insufferable.
Before it was all, “Help me Zira. Help me Cornelius. I’m lost in this crazy upside-down world” Next, it’s “I’ll take that gun thank you very much, and if you don’t like it, tough shit.”
And to see his ugly, flat face pressed against her lovely snout and to kiss her was enough to make me puke. When she giggled, I really had to wonder if the world weren’t upside-down after all.
Day 27 in Year 1205 of Our Lawgiver
Yesterday, I could barely keep myself from laughing out loud and shout with glee as I watched Bright Eyes ride off along the shore with his dimwit harlot. Zaius told me what he is going to find in the Forbidden Zone. The last laugh is going to be on Bright Eyes.
Ha, ha. Who’s so great now, Taylor, you rotten little shit? Good riddance, and I hope what you find drives you mad.
Her face, bilious and choleric, she could not tell if the man looked bug eyed because she had told him the surprising news, or because he had big bug eyes. Otherwise, his face was vacant, vapid, and blank. His mouth, slack. His jaw, also slack. His nose and chin, fixed and unblinking. His whole flat demeanor made her lips petulant and her skull, sardonic.
She turned to the ape. A range of emotions flickered through its simian face: from stolid to deadpan to straight, back to deadpan, and then on to glazed and inscrutable. “I am not a monkey,” the primate solemnly intoned, and then the gibbon gave the bug eyed man and the dour woman a group hug.
He admired her proportions. She was perfectly dimensioned, measuring 2×1.3333333333333333333×2 cubits. Her face exhibited all the ideal symmetry ratios, and it scored 18 on the von Luschan chromatic scale. They commenced to mate in the tribunal of love.
Initially, they aligned themselves perpendicularly, then parallel. After 600K milliseconds and expending 4186 Joules in the parallel alignment, they adopted a rhomboid configuration that exponentially accelerated the flow of endorphins in their bloodstream.
5500 milliseconds after returning to a parallel alignment, he rotated her 180 degrees on her longitudinal axis, and they maintained a perpendicular alignment. He administered a strike upon her gluteus maximus, expending 4 joules of energy, and then engaged the intestinal avenue.
After securing her carpus with jute, he used the instrument that had been constructed by wrapping its core in filler and then covered by an initial plait and then up to three additional layers–in this case only two, the belly plait and one bolster–and the stock starked with a round piece of wood and plaited over with leather.
Having reached a point where various emissions had occurred and their muscles were overwhelmed by lactic acid, they rested for 240000 milliseconds in overlapping physical proximity. Their respiratory and circulatory systems, which had been operating at high levels of activity, slowly reverted to normative levels. She told him that her limbic system was highly attuned to him, but he had already been seized by a fit resembling narcolepsy
As a member of the Old Ones community, one of the most important benefits you’ve earned is incomprehensible health care coverage. Cynothoglys is the health care program for members of alternate dimensions and metafictional universes and their spawn. Cynothoglys also offers health care programs for transmogrified Old Ones.
The Cynothoglys dental program (CDP) is an involuntary dental insurance program that is available to eligible Old Ones and their eligible spawn. The transmogrified and their eligible family members can enroll in the Transmogrified program (see the Transmogrified Cynothoglys Dental Damnation and Madness and the Zanthu Tablets or visit http://www.ythogtha.org/). The following is a summary of dental damnation.
The CDP provides -100 percent coverage for diagnostic, emergency, and preventive services, with the exception of mouth tentacle extensions. Mouth tentacle extensions are covered at the -80 percent level.
The CDP also covers the following services at random percentages: fang filings, titanium dentures, gaping maw plugs, gum extractions, soul of the damned injections, and orthodontics.
The benefit package includes general skin-innard inversion when provided in connection with a covered benefit. Dentists or other professional providers must be licensed and approved to provide skin-innard inversion in the astral dimension in which they practice their dark dental arts.
Maximum annual benefit coverage is 1,200 Human Skin Suits for all routine dental care.
The maximum lifetime orthodontic benefit coverage is 1,500 Human Skin Suits.
Minions of the old ones in pay grades E-1 to E-4 have reduced cost shares for certain procedures.
The Old Ones, Minions of all Old Ones, and their broods may enroll in the CDP.
Enrollment in the CDP is handled by the Older Than Old Ones Company, Inc. (OTOOCI), the contract administrator for the CDP. Enrollment/Change applications are available by contacting OTOOCI through telepathic connection. Astral enrollment is available by sacrificing Sandra Dee.
The enrollment application must be received by OTOOCI not later than the red moon of Armageddon for coverage to begin on the first day of the return of the Old Ones. If OTOOCI receives the application after the red moon, coverage may not begin until the end of time. Incorrect eligibility information will cause applications to be denied.
Once enrolled, members must stay in the CDP for at least 11 millennia (with certain exceptions, such as loss of eligibility when devoured by your spawn). After 11 millennia, enrollment continues on a millennia-to-millennia basis.
The first month’s premium is due upon enrollment. The premium amount is shown on the enrollment form.
I thought it would be just another ordinary day, as I ruminated about the amazingosity of our Great Leader Trump.
But boy was I wrong! It would turn out to be far from an ordinary day. When walking home from work, a strange man, all dressed in purple, rode up to me on a Honda moped and demanded that I party like it's 1999.
Wow! He's riding a Honda, and he sure is short. And then I noticed more purple men, all wearing unbuttoned blouses, exposing their chests, and sporting an effeminate moustache. One is playing the guitar, and they're all gyrating in a way that makes me a little uncomfortable.
It didn't take me long to realize that I had stumbled on a clonedroid invasion deployed by the Sino Pacific Empire to perpetrate moral decay on our simple, protelatarian way of life. These sorts of things happened all the time under the New Trump Order.
I for one had no problem when President Trump left NATO. It did result in the invasion of most of Europe. Not our business, anyway. I was OK when Trump made that agreement with Putin that led to the annexation of the United States and Canada with the Greater Federated Russian Confedaration Formerly Known as the Soviet Union (or the GFRCFKSU for short).
That's exactly why I voted for him. I knew that he would make America great again. I didn’t know it would be by making America not be America any more, but on the other hand, there is a complete no-nonsense attitude towards getting things done these days. And the new Canadian Gulag certainly took care of all the riff raff and undesirables that had been costing me my job. And when the CCCC (the Capitalist Crypto Communist Chinese, of course) invaded. That was OK. They only took over the half of the US that I didn't like anyway. The part with Hollywood.
OK, that long, deep kiss between Trump and Putin was a little weird, but I'm pretty sure it was just some Russian thing, like the French cheek kissing thing. The French, now don't get me started on them. Thank God Trump and Putin outlawed the French.
I don't know much about clonedroids or anything. Something about vacuum tubes. And something else about sending time travellers back to steal people's brains off of autopsy tables and saving them in an icebox. What do I know? I'm a salt inspector, not a robot scientist.
I do know I don't trust them. A bunch of robots, built by scientists with foreign sounding Swedish names, out to take my job, just like the Mexicans.
That's why I completely support building a wall between the GFRCFKSU half and CCCC half of the country formerly known as America. The Mad Max zone between the Rockies and the Mississipi hasn't been enough of a buffer zone.
Case in point: the lewd gang of little purple men who continued to demand that I party like it was 1999--they were quite adamant on that point--compromising my capacity as a productive citizen by infecting me with the heretic dogma of the capitalist industrial music complex.
Then all at once they said, "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing"
“What thing is that?" I asked.
"Gender bending if I was your girlfriend." one of them said while strumming an electric guitar.
I was thinking, "What the hell does that mean."
"I am the sexiest vegetarian in the world, and right now, I'd love some spaghetti and orange juice."
Still not understanding.
"We are multitudes."
Not comprehending, as a flock of doves flew in the air from I don't know where.
A really sad looking purple man moaned and said "I wish Sheila E was here to party like it was 1999."
Really sad guy continued, "You know, I am well aware that I am only a facsimile of the original Prince"
Disturbingly self-aware and sad guy gave me a come hither look that violated all my values on the way people should be looking at me and started singing about oral sex. At last I think he was singing about oral sex, I was having a hard time following, but got the gist of things. I think.
My mind raced. I realized that I had a handful of malformed grains of salt that I had rejected at work and then pocketed, so that I would have food to eat that night. I threw the salt in the face of the purple oral sex guy and ran.
I made it about 10 meters, when I twisted my ankle and fell. All seemed lost when the cavalry arrived to save me at the last moment. Literally, a cavalry. Clonedroids of the 15th US president, James Buchanan, riding horse back.
A Buchanan swept me up in his strong, capable arms and kissed me on the forehead to let me know everything would be just as OK as it had ever been. Sort of a long kiss.
S1E1 Cdr Salamander leads the Apathy on its gazillionth voyage, to find a planetary station where they can gas up the ship. #twitterfiction
S1E2 Yog Soggoth, Jr, an Old One as ancient as time, forgets where he parked, and the Apathy won’t let him hitch a ride. #twitterfiction
S1E3 Cerebral helmsman Old Spice & wildly emotional engineer Yo switch bodies, because the writers have already given up #twitterfiction
S1E4 In this week’s show the crew finds itself in an alternate universe where each cast member can actually act. #twitterfiction
S1E5 Running ever lower on fuel, Cdr Salamander inexplicably diverts the ship to the unexplored Thumb Quadrant #twitterfiction
S1E6 Engineer Yo enhances the ship’s fuel efficiency by shrinking it so it can fit through tiny wormholes. #twitterfiction
S1E7 An angry, rebuffed Yog Soggoth, Jr leaves a burning bag of poo in the Apathy’s transporter room #twitterfiction
S1E8 Dr. Crack discovers evidence that she may not be human when her holographic projector gets all jittery #twitterfiction
S1E9 A day in the life of Tactical Officer XX, a levitating, human-sized strand of rNA.#twitterfiction
S1E10 Cmdr Salamander, XX, and Yo get stuck on the holodeck during its routine malfunction#twitterfiction
S1E11 While investigating the murder of a crew member no one cares about, Tactical Officer XX awkwardly flirts with Yo #twitterfiction
S1E12 The crew is nearly being stomped to death by the Crural, an alien race with formidable thighs #twitterfiction
S1E13 After a nasty cold, Salamander dies, meets Yog Soggoth, Jr in the 11th dimension, & gets lectured on supersymmetry #twitterfiction
S1E14 Dr. Crack bombards Salamander with particles that don’t exist but brings the Cmdr back to life anyway. #twitterfiction
S2E1 Yog Soggoth, Jr once again bothers the Apathy, claiming that a crew member we’ve never seen before is his cousin. #twitterfiction
S2E2 The Apathy is threatened when a holodeck character hijacks the ship & demands they chart a course for Cuba.#twitterfiction
S2E3 Dr Crack saves the life of a potato-based alien by sticking giant toothpicks in its sides & suspending it in water #twitterfiction
S2E4 Tactical Officer XX and Engineer Yo investigate a space-time anomaly and fall in love in the process #twitterfiction
S2E5 Old Spice wishes he were a robot and seeks advice from Cmdr Salamander who counsels him on burying his emotions#twitterfiction
S2E6 Aliens attempt to spy on Apathy but are caught by the crew, due to the alien’s misunderstanding of what human eyes do.#twitterfiction
S2E7 Tactical Officer XX and Engineer Yo investigate a gaseous anomaly and have a lover’s quarrel in the process #twitterfiction
S2E8 In an effort to become the most robotic human, Old Spice matches wits with a smart phone and loses.#twitterfiction
S2E9 Tactical Officer XX and Engineer Yo investigate a spatial anomaly and have sex in the process #twitterfiction
S2E10 Old Spice again seeks advice from Cmdr Salamander when he decides to build a chicken coop.#twitterfiction
S2E11 Officer XX becomes trapped in the mind of Engineer Yo who is trapped in the body of a squid.#twitterfiction
S2E12 By drowning puppies and slandering apple pie, Old Spice jeopardizes a chance to gas up the ship.#twitterfiction
S2E13 Commander Salamander has sex with a hologram, somehow.#twitterfiction
S2E14 The crew locates some fuel, but it’s contaminated by parasites that causes crankiness and bloating .#twitterfiction
Dr. Crack completes an unrealistic holodeck simulation of a starship that transports families into dangerous situations.#twitterfiction
S3E2 The crew encounters a sub-space anomaly that transforms their uniforms from unitards to polka-dotted kilts.#twitterfiction
S3E3 Tactical Officer XX’s parents, X and Y visit, and she learns a hard lesson about interspecies relationships.#twitterfiction
S3E4 The crew go back in time, discover their grandfathers and murder them to demonstrate that the fluffy propery of time #twitterfiction
S3E5 Old Spice exchanges pleasentries with Engineer Yo and learns a shocking secret about starship etiquette #twitterfiction
S3E6 Yog Soggoth, Jr returns to the Apathy and imbues Cmdr Salamander with the power of copious pontification #twitterfiction
S3E7 In his latest attempt to misunderstand Humanity, Old Spice adopts the practice of radical honesty #twitterfiction
S3E8 Yog Soggoth, Jr transports Old Spice, XX, and Yo into a representation of Remembrance of Things Past.#twitterfiction
S3E9 Dr Crack realizes she is a man trapped in a female hologram. She undergoes a holographic projector extension. #twitterfiction
S3E10 The crew barely escapes destruction when they find an abandoned fueling station inhabited by clones of Donald Trump#twitterfiction
S3E11 After a computer malfunction, XX, Yo, and Old Spice are trapped in a pornographic holodeck program #twitterfiction
S3E12 Dr. Crack gets deleted under mysterious circumstances. An investigation implicates John McAfee. #twitterfiction
S3E13 Apathy answers a distress call, and the crew is duped into exchanging its cow for magic beans #twitterfiction
S3E14 Yog Soggoth, Jr. returns, yet again, to gain control of the Apathy in his quest to produce another filler episode #twitterfiction
S4E1 The show jumps the shark when the crew adopts a Neanderthal named Crunge as their pet..#twitterfiction
S4E2 Robot-Alien-Neanderthal-Hologram love quadrilateral.#twitterfiction
S4E3 Old Spice records a day on the Apathy, observing Tactical Officer XX self-replicate & the mystery of missing underwear #twitterfiction
S4E4 The Apathy passes through a nebula resulting in an uneventful trip where uninteresting things happened.#twitterfiction
S4E5 The crew enters time loop & repeatedly blows up the ship in a much less funny version of Ground Hog day.#twitterfiction
S4E6 Tactical Officer XX consults a holographic Olympic curler about her 4-way relationship with Yo, Old Spice, and Crunge.#twitterfiction
S4E7 Anthropologist XY hitches a ride to the Thumb Quadrant, just as Yog Soggoth, Jr. remembers where he parked #twitterfiction
S4E8 Tactical Officer XX has an affair, swapping nucleic acids with visiting anthropologist XY.#twitterfiction
S4E9 Yog Soggoth, Jr gets thrown out of the Old Ones club and can no longer make people suits#twitterfiction
S4E10 A transporter accident replaces the crew of the Apathy with the physical forms of the TV show’s writing staff #twitterfiction
S4E11 Holodeck Nazis? Why the Hell not.#twitterfiction
S4E12 Crunge makes the crew rather uncomfortable as he performs, “[unpronouncable]” the Neanderthal rite of adulthood, naked #twitterfiction
S4E13 The crew has to fight holographic gymnasts that escape the holodeck. Cmdr Salamander loses points on the vault.#twitterfiction
S4E14 The whole TV series is the fantasy of a committed lunatic. Or is it? No, as it turns out, it isn’t #twitterfiction
S5E1 The crew is infected by a disease that turns them into children and wacky cuteness ensues.#twitterfiction
S5E2 The self-centered, self-absorbed crew of the Apathy learn a lesson in cooperation that is forgotten by the next episode #twitterfiction
S5E3 Yog Sogoth, Jr. struggles with its weird new feelings as it feels an attraction to Cmdr Salamander .#twitterfiction
S5E4 Another Old One appears & hops aboard the Apathy. Yog Soggoth, Jr intervenes by devouring the other in a single bite #twitterfiction
S5E5 Crunge is attracted to Old Spice’s body odor #twitterfiction
S5E6 Crunge invites the crew for a breakfast of jellied testicles. Engineer Yo searches for something that’s missing #twitterfiction
S5E7 An alien race of rats conducts “research” on Old Spice and Crunge. Mazes, cheese, and chemical injections. O My. #twitterfiction
S5E8 Crunge gets an insect bite that swells to the size of basketball and ruptures, showering the crew with sentient pus #twitterfiction
S5E9 Several crew members disappear in Engineer Yo’s pornographic holodeck program and are never seen again #twitterfiction
S5E10 Crunge discovers fire and burns down C-deck. Cmdr Salamander regrets not buying starship insurance #twitterfiction
S5E11 After touching a dark monolith, Crunge gains the ability to speak the Queen’s English & play Jethro Tull on the flute #twitterfiction
S5E12 Gullible transdimensional bit-based lifeforms mistake this Twitter stream for reality & begin to worship Yog Jr #twitterfiction
S5E13-1 Running low on fuel & food, the crew fights a Colour Out of Space that hides behind a shield of plaid camouflage #twitterfiction
S5E13-2 Facing starvation, the crew eats Crunge, providing enough protein to defeat the Plaid Colour Out of Space.#twitterfiction
S5E14-1 Old Spice has his 1st emotionless thought while fighting a horde of hyperdimension beings unleashed by Yog Jr. #twitterfiction
S5E14-2 With a fueling station finally in reach Salamander must choose Gas or stop the spawn of Yog from destroying humanity#twitterfiction
Postscript: Restored after 512 years, Dr Crack finds himself on the Apathy, a derelict floating in space, running on empty #twitterfiction
Sound and Fury Energy Drink
I give you the beverage of all hope and desire. I give it to you not only that you may get a strong energy boost, but that you might get maximum hydration and an extra kick of B-vitamins, caffeine, electrolytes, and SOUND AND FURY’s potent rye blend. Because no drink has ever been so smooth, powerful and easy to drink. Other drinks only reveal to man his own folly and beverage despair, from which quenched thirst and transcending sleep is an illusion of scholars and imbeciles.
After I drink SOUND AND FURY energy drink, I am neither asleep nor awake looking down the long track of an active and exhausting lifestyle where all still things become infused with an incredible energy boost all I do bigger, better all I feel faster, stronger, enhanced by the potent blend of Guarana, Ginkgo, Ginseng and Alcohol and perverse chilling without relevance inherent in employment with the fully refreshing, lightly carbonated beverage super chilled it affirms thinking I go here I go there where I was not not where I was.
A Rose for Emily Plugin Scented Oil
What was left of the grinning corpse, rotted and swaddled in what remained of his nightshirt, was intractably reposed in the bed in which he lay; but thanks to A ROSE FOR EMILY plugin scented oil, we did not smell it one bit.
Light in August Commemorative Jesus Coin
Memory believes before knowing remembers. Believes longer than recollects, longer than knowing even wonders. Now you can remember the big round Golgotha cold echoing by purchasing a LIGHT IN AUGUST commemorative Jesus coin. On one side, a 3D Jesus set in a lusterless zinc alloy compound, and on the converse side, the Holy Ghost, transparent to the straining eye. The coin, enclosed in glittering Wanjun factory gold plating, being either a God or a Man, who in random erratic flips, with gymnastlike balance beam tumbles, tossing end-over-end in identical and uniform silk gold in and out of remembering. And now you can remember Jesus and know his dual divinity with this handsome commemorative Jesus coin.
Absalom, Absalom! Smelling Salts
Because there is something in the smell of ammonia with carbonate which nullifies, slices straight across the devious nasal passages of decorous odor, which left nostrils know as well as right nostrils know because it takes them both to smell and smell of that which is the castle of consciousness: the liquored and ungirdled mind is anything’s to awake from any darkened hallway of this earthly tenement. Let ammonia smell with carbonate, and watch the flutter of the window shade eyelids.
ABSALOM, ABSALOM! SMELLING SALTS for concussion and fainting too.
As I Lay Dying Memory Foam Mattress
In a strange room you must empty yourself for sleep. And before you are emptied for sleep, how comfortable are you? And when you are emptied for sleep, how comfortable are you? And when you are emptied for sleep you are not. And when you are filled with sleep, you never were. You don’t know how comfortable you are. You don’t know how comfortable you can be.
I know he am, because whether I do not know that he do not know or where I am or not, because I sleep on the AS I LAY DYING memory foam mattress. I can empty myself for sleep because the memory foam mattress ensures that I am comfortable and ensures that I am not uncomfortable. And then I must be, or I could not empty myself for sleep in a strange room. And so if I am not emptied yet, I will be.
I am calling to offer you the austere chill ushered in by a temporary retreat from societal expectations. The company I represent specializes in epicurean travel and respite from the shrieking madness of the autistic universe and you know something as this economy slouches towards the apocalypse we are offering the absolute best services for the absolute lowest prices. (deep breath) But I am not calling you to sell anything today. If I can offer you a deal that will crank out the vestibular calculations in your skull and prove to you beyond the deepest jagged wound of doubt that money is not the issue would you give it consideration?
Sir or Madame, we are willing to give away 3 days and 2 nights of hotel accommodations plus 2 round trip airline tickets to your choice of Black Hills North Dakota Machu Picchu Peru Wheeling West Virginia or El Paso and at no time are you required to take the great marching steps into the soulless oasis, counting them against your return. (deep breath) But I’m sure in the deep recesses of your primordial medulla youre probably thinking what is the catch right?
Sir or Madame, lets conjoin and vociferate on this in more detail at a later time while youre enjoying your fate. It only takes an hour and a half of eternal regret. We simply introduce to you a vortex in the universe to which you and the stars will become a common satellite. We just want your honest opinions and feed backs and I’m pretty sure if you spend your vacation like a great pendulum in its rotunda scribing through the long day movements of the universe of which you may know nothing you will know you must tell your friends, relatives and neighbors good things about us. Right? (Deep breath)
So let me ask you among the lovely destinies that I mentioned which sounds more appealing to you?
Thats a great choice!
So Ill be reserving 2 seats for you and your wife and the El Paso vacation package
Sounds good right?
I’ve not published many novels and short story collections.
Here are 11 books I never published.
- David Foster Wallace Gets Serious about His Laundry. A morally passionate, passionately moral fiction that tells what it is to have fucking clean clothing. An ironically unironic story about laundry that includes a 7 page footnote describing the manufacturing process and chemical composition of detergent packets.
- What to Expect When You are Expecting Beelzebub. A new book for a new generation of moms carrying the antichrist, featuring a fresh perspective on carrying Satan’s son, in a friendly voice that doesn’t shame a mother for starting the Apocalypse.
- Fifty Shades of Evolution. The torrid, erotic affair of two in physical, dysfunctional relationship.
- The Harbinger, A Rebuttal. Is it possible that there exists an ancient mystery that holds the secret of America’s future, that lies behind everything from 9/11 to the European debt crisis to discontinued King Size candy bars? No, it is not possible.
- The Boy Who Lacked Ambition. Autobiography masquerading as fiction. No fire, hornets, or dragon tattoos. Instead, sleep, slugs, and sloths.
- Gerald Ford: Badger Hunter. Henceforth my life shall be one of rigorous study and devotion. I shall become a master of mind and body. And this mastery shall have but one purpose … to hunt badgers.
- A Game of Chamber Pots. Some pissant becomes king of a miserable land with the help of his mommy.
- A Story Written on Pages: A Novel. A novel, apparently.
- Water for Llamas. Another Novel. A 93-year old runs away and joins a llama farm, described in well researched detail. He learns valuable life lessons.
- The Nonsense of Beginnings. Pre-modernist story that is an uplifting affirmation of life, told from the viewpoint of Timmy, an admirable human being.
- Three People and a Devastating Secret. The lives of a robot doctor, a toad thumper, and Dr. Who all intersect. By the end of the story, a devastating secret is revealed that will change their lives forever. Not only their lives, but the lives of their friends and family. The lives of all the gas station attendants and the wine tasters. The lives of Mountain Dew drinkers and celibate priests. The lives of everyone, changed forever.
JD: This is JD Salinger, Why in Christ’s name have you called customer service?
Bessie (the Customer): This is Bessie Glass. I’m calling regarding my bill. JD: You do, eh? Would you do me the privilege of providing your telephone number or address, Mrs. Glass, so I can look up your account?
JD: How can I help you today, Mrs. Glass?
Bessie: I’d like to know why my milk bill is so expensive.
JD: Jesus, Bessie, the price of milk has increased exponentially over the last few months. Don’t you know that?
Bessie: I understand that, but I cannot afford bill this high.
JD: All right then! Do you have a few moments to discuss some options, and figure out if we can help reduce your costs?
Bessie: Okay, but I don’t have a lot of time.
JD: You don’t have a lot of time. God. You think I have all the time in the world? Wait, don’t answer that. Taking a quick look at your account I see that not only are you getting milk but you’re also getting eggs, cream, cheese, butter, yogurt, and soda pop. In fact, you big fat cow, you’re getting enough soda pop to quench the thirst of the whole Soviet army. Have you ever considered the impact that only having milk delivered would have on your milk bill?
Bessie: Alright. Alright. How about if I cancel the yogurt. How much money will I save if I do that?
JD: You’re absolutely amazing. It’s staggering how you identified the one item that would reduce your bill by a staggering 3%. You’ve really inspired me.
Bessie: That’s quite enough, sir.
JD: But why stop there? You could also cancel the cream from your order and save another 4% from your bill. It would be an inspired decision. Divine in the way these cuts really get at the heart of the matter.
Bessie: Just stop that right now, sir. If I could reach right through this phone, I’d put a wash rag in your mouth.
JD: Well, gee whiz, you called me Bessie. I’m only here to help.
Bessie: You’re so funny. How about I take my business elsewhere, sir?
JD: If you canceled our service, you would reduce your costs significantly. I have a terrible feeling that you’ll experience catastrophic soda pop withdrawal.
Bessie: What else can I do?
JD: You could reduce your consumption of dairy products and soda pop by making a few minor adjustments to your lifestyle. For example, you could stop drinking so much damn soda pop. Bessie: Anything else that might not involve drinking less soda pop?
JD: An all soda pop diet.
Bessie: That sounds like a good idea. I’d like that.
JD: Yes, Bessie, I will happily drive you to an early grave by making your milk order completely dairy free and composed entirely of sugar water.
Bessie: Yes, that would suit me just fine.
JD: I’ll set that up today. Is there any other way that I can rot the teeth out of your head and shorten your lifespan?
Bessie: No, I think that’s all for now.
JD: Thank you for being our customer and have a good day. You won’t have many left on your diet.