6 Top Philip K Dick Novels

Here are my top six Philip K Dick novels. (Spoilers, probably).

Man in the High Castle
Dick’s best novel. Story about an alternate reality, where Axis powers win WWII. Except the actual reality is reflected in a book with a cool title. But that reality, where the Allies win, is different than the reality the reader believes to be true. So whose reality is true? Second only to Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep.

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep
Dick’s best novel that inspired the movie Blade Runner. The book tells the story of a bounty hunter that kills replicants. He wonders if he might be a replicant, but then decides he’s not. The movie had little to do with the book, but Dick said he liked how the movie ended up, but by that time he was living in an oxygen tent, so who knows what he really thought. I reread the book recently, and couldn’t get the image of Harrison Ford wearing a large anti-radioactive codpiece out of my mind. Second only to Man in the High Castle.

Time Out of Joint
A novel by Dick written at the beginning of a years long, speed-fueled pot boiler writing spree. Sort of a Cold War precursor to the Truman Show.

Martian Time Slip
If you only read 15 books about autistic children in your lifetime, make Martian Time Slip one of them. One of the finest books set on Mars.

A Scanner Darkly
Total disintegration of a personality. I had just stopped drinking and was mired in depression when I read this novel. A Scanner Darkly proposes a conspiracy theory of rehabs creating customers by manufacturing and selling a soul destroying drug. Fortunately, I read this novel right when I depended on a 12 step program to maintain my sanity.

Transmigration of Timothy Archer or Flow My Tears the Policeman Said
Don’t know which of these stories takes the top spot. I don’t really remember reading either one of them, but they had catchy titles. I believe Ursula LeGuin really liked the Transmigration of Timothy Archer.

Branded Writing Style

To connect with contemporary readers, inject brand names into your fiction.

Contemporary example of the branded writing style:

Darcy Summer slipped her blue JC Penney bathrobe off her shoulders and hung it on the Restoration Hardware Chatam Double Hook mounted on the bathroom door. She turned on the shower and stepped in. Water, heated to an invigoratingly warm temperature by an EccoTemp water heater, streamed from the Moen showerhead and over body. Her fingers worked Garnier Fructis shampoo and conditioner through her hair. After rinsing her hair, she washed her face and neck with Tea Tree body wash. Next, she washed her shoulders and then her breasts, recently augmented to a C-cup with Mentor MemoryGel breast implants. The surgery had been performed by Dr. Mark, whose office was located at the intersection of West and East Auburn Rd., in the same strip mall that has the Target, which is across the mall with the Walmart and the Kohls and catty-corner to the Applebees.

Example that would have appealed to 19th century readers:

After Lucretia Burns had scrubbed herself clean with Colgate Toilet Soap, she stepped out of her Herbeau Creations bathing tub. After drying off with a Pepperell towel, she put on her Mrs. Smith Bandage Universal Suspenders to support her usual bandage by means of Mrs. Smiths New Improved Safety Skirt and Bandage Holder. Once the suspenders and holder were secured, she wrapped her Warner’s corset around her waist and tightened it sufficiently. To help with her complaint, common to the female population, she drank a healthy does of Lydia Pinkham’s Vegetable Compound, which made her feel a nice glocky Kanurd.

Amy and Dying Young - Writers and Poets

Amy Winehouse’s death fed the Romantic mythos of artists dying at a young age in a blaze of glory. Dying at 27, she was preceded by other members of the 27 club, including Kurt Cobain and, of course, the holy trinity of Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, and Jim Morrison. Memorable actors have also died at a young age: Natalie Wood, Judy Garland, and James Dean. Poets: Sylvia Plath.

How do fiction writers fare? They seem to hang on for a while. Here is a list, their longevity expressed in Amy Winehouse lifetimes.

Author Died Poison Greatest Literary Achievement Winehouse Lifetimes
William Faulkner 1962 Alcohol Parodied in Barton Fink 2.4
Charles Bukowski 1994 Alcohol Created the character, Henry Chinaski, a fine role model for our youth 2.75
John Cheever 1982 Alcohol, Various Drugs Featured in an episode of Seinfeld 2.6
Jack Kerouac 1969 Alcohol Name that was pronounced just like it was spelled 1.75
Ernest Hemingway 1961 Alcohol Inspiring John McCain to run for president 2.3
Philip K Dick 1982 Amphetamines Overdosed on Vitamin C 2
Ambrose Bierce 1914 Alcohol Inexplicably disappeared in Mexico 2.666
William S Burroughs 1997 Heroin Owned a most unusual typewriter 3.1
Ayn Rand 1982 Speed/Dexedrine Founded new religion based on book fatter than Bible. 2.85

Aspergers Writing Style (The Writing Style of Moby Dick)

Violet got into her car, a baby blue ’97 Toyota Corolla. It had four tires. The rear passenger tire, a Goodyear, was slightly less deflated than the others. The rear brake light on that same side, the passenger side, had been broken, although the reverse light was intact. Red lens repair tapecovered the hole in the brake light—four pieces horizontally, five pieces vertically, and one piece wrapped in an arc below the lens. Some of the tape was thinner in some areas than others. In addition to the slightly deflated tire and busted lens, the passenger side rear bumper had been dented, creating a depression less than a quarter inch at its most shallow point and nearly 3/4 of an inch at its deepest point. Paint had been scraped off a 2″ by 4.5″ area around the right side of the dent.

She turned the key and the ignition system produced a high-voltage electrical charge that was transmitted to the distributor which in turn sent a charge to each spark plug through its four ignition wires. The starter motor spins the engine, and the combustion process starts.

Ambrose Bierce Wormhole Western Free Verse Epic Villanelle

Dear Unpublished Guy:

In response to your book proposal:

We applaud your effort to write a free verse epic villanelle. However, as is clearly stated in our submission guidelines we don’t accept Ambrose Bierce Wormhole Westerns. Clearly, the epic poem you submitted fits within that genre.

Additionally, please refer to our stance on fiction that features Jerry O’Connell or mustaches as major characters:

While goatees and sideburns are acceptable personifications in stories we consider, we generally aren’t interested in publishing fiction where mustaches play a major role in the story. We don’t publish stories with Jerry O’Connell. If you insist on submitting fan fiction, please restrict your protagonist to Jason Bateman.

Your story features both Jerry O’Connel and a mustache. While it might have been possible to accept a story with a mustache as the antagonist, your fiction crosses the line of common sense by introducing Jerry O’Connell as the protagonist.

Sincerely,

Van Dyke
Editor, Teen Wolf Literary Journal

Review: Plots, Sub-Plots, Mermaids, and Pirates of the Caribbean

Pirates of the Caribbean Priest-Mermaid Love Subplot

Quite often when I am watching a movie and sometimes when I am reading a book, I find I am more interested in a side story or supporting character than I am in the protagonist or the main plot line. This is especially true when I feel that the protagonist is in no real jeopardy. Often, it’s the supporting characters that bite the dust, so I feel more tension. Maybe, this time the hero of the sub-plot won’t bite the dust.

I most recently had this experience when I saw Pirates of the Caribbean 4, On Stranger Tides.

*** Spoiler Alert, I suppose, if the third sequel in a movie franchise like Pirates of the Caribbean can be spoiled ***

I was supposed to care about Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz. I could care less about either one of them. I could care less about the plot—a search for the fountain of youth. When Jack Sparrow’s love interest was in danger at the climax of the story, how much did I care? Not much.

Conversely, the side story revolving around Philip, the priest, was a sub-plot that was more intriguing, as he fell for a mermaid. Mermaid myths vary, but in the Pirates of the Caribbean canon, mermaids are beguiling creatures that trick a sailor into a kiss and than drag the sailor underwater and eat him alive.

The priest-mermaid love plot is an offshoot of the main plot. A mermaids tear, among other items, is required for the fountain of youth to work; so a mermaid is captured, put in a glass coffin, and dragged across the jungle.

During the trek, Philip uses his bible to hold the coffin lid open so the mermaid can breath when she is in danger of suffocating. After the coffin breaks open, he gallantly removes his shirt to cloak the now completely naked (she changes into a person like Daryl Hannah in Splash) mermaid and carry her through the jungle. After her tear is captured, she is left to die, and Philip becomes a prisoner of Blackbeard the pirate. Will Philip returns escape to rescue the mermaid?

He does escape, but is wounded in process. He struggles to reach the dying mermaid and rescue her. And what happens next is what sets this sub-plot off from the predictable Jack Sparrow plot.

He does, in fact, save the mermaid. Lying next to the pool where she is swimming about, he professes the new meaning in his life since he met her … She promises to heal his wound … They kiss, and then—the mermaid drags him into the pool and pulls him down to a watery grave.

There you have it, legitimate peril that ends badly, as it often does for the hero of the sub-plot.

The Fiction Writing Contest Lottery

On what fiction writing contest should you squander $20? I calculated the return-on-investment (ROI) of several different contests. I have summarized the results in the table below. The return number quantifies the investment in a fiction contest, based on the entry fee, effort to write a story according to contest guidelines, and probability of winning the contest.

Contest Return
ReadMe Publishing What If? Science Fiction Competition (40)
Glimmer Train Very Short Fiction Award (49)
Alligator Juniper’s National Writing Contest (50)
Barry Hannah Fiction Prize (50)
Fish Flash Fiction (59)
Newport Review Flash Fiction Contest (126)
Springfield Writers’ Guild Literary Awards (161)
Inland Empire California Writers Club Writing Contest (409)
Bards and Sages Speculative Fiction Contest (484)
Silver Quill Society Short Story Contest (485)
Cadenza Open Short Story Competition (UK) (487)
Sherwood Anderson Fiction Award (489)
Juked Fiction and Poetry Prizes (490)
Sullivan Prize in Short Fiction (494)
Mississippi Review Prize (494)
Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley Award for Imaginative Fiction (508)
Boston Review Annual Short Story Contest (659)
Zoetrope All-Story Short Fiction Contest (810)
Fish Short Story (819)
Earlyworks Press Open Short Story Competition (UK) (967)
Chautauqua Literary Journal (1134)
Greensboro Review Robert Watson Literary Prizes (1200)
American Literary Review (1294)

How should you read this table? Just as you may gain or lose money after investing in a 401K or stock, you can gain or lose your time and money by entering a fiction contest. Basically, you want to avoid contests with a return in red, which represents the effort, expressed in a dollar value, that you lost by writing a story for the contest and paying a fee to enter the contest.

Rejection Letter: My Beetle, My Love

Dear Individual,

Thank you for submitting your fiction to Screw You magazine.

We enjoy reading so many fine short stories, and selecting the fiction to publish can be a difficult decision. So difficult that we often need to read submissions multiple times. We very much appreciate having the opportunity to read such high quality fiction. We were really impressed with the latest batch of submitted stories.

However, your short story, “My Beetle, My Love”, was the exception. Your story was so dreadfully boring that we discarded it immediately. Your decision to write an erotic story from the perspective of a dung beetle was questionable, to say the least.

Please refrain from submitting additional short stories to our publication.

Best Regards,
Merkin Muffley, Editor

Last Episode of Lost OK by Me

All the Lead Characters in Lost

All the Lead Characters in Lost

The last episode of Lost and it was OK by me. I didn’t feel at all betrayed, although some staff writers at Slate and my ex-wife didn’t seem to care for it so much. At one time, I was a wild-eyed Lost fan—for the first season or so; however, I have a low threshold for being toyed with, so I stopped watching by the end of season two. I caught the fever, again, two years later and caught up with a few Lost DVD marathons, but … Lost interest in Lost, again.

By the time I checked in for the final episode (I hadn’t seen the first half; I only watched the second hour, and I hadn’t seen any of season 5 or 6), I didn’t have anything personal invested in the resolution or any answers. I even admired the audacity of the sleight of hand attempted by the writers. It’s not about the Dharma Initiative, or the Others, or the Island, Jacob, or Smokey Beelzebub at all. It was all about a great Kumbaya in a flash sideways that resulted from a bonding experience on an island, which could really have been any experience. The details are really not all that important.

I suppose I found that acceptable because, while the others were busy puzzling out why this and why that, my most vexing concern was why the large statue spotted by Sahid had only four toes. A real stumper that crowded out all other questions, I might have had. Only four toes?

I also latched on to the bit about “everyone dies, some died before you, and some died after you.” So much fiction rides on the suspense (or lack of) on whether a particular character is going to snuff it, but if they don’t die then, they will, later. Everyone has to go sometime, so what’s all the fuss?

This message was reinforced for me in a poignant way, when Jack stumbled through the bamboo forest, and then fell dying on the ground. The dog rolled up and lying beside him reminded me of my own pit bull. That needy dog follows me around and curls up next to me on the couch, bed, or wherever. I suppose if I were lying dead in a bamboo forest on an Island with such perplexing problems as a four-toed statue, I would go gently into that good night with an aged pit bull curled up next to me. Nearly made me cry.

The Unparalleled Fiction Publishing Expertise and Many Writing Accomplishments of Unpublished Guy


The Hand of Unpublished Guy’s
Mighty Fiction Writing Blog

Unpublished Guy earned a BA in professional writing from Old Dominion University, an educational institution that obviously has a long tradition of academic excellence, since it has the word “old” in it. With this degree Unpublished Guy mastered all aspects of writing: creative, technical, and journalistic. Although he recently used a colon, he has a strong preference for the em dash. He also likes to connect two similar sentences with a semicolon, followed by the word, “however,” followed by a comma. But Unpublished Guy’s biography digresses. After mastering all aspects of writing, it was only natural that Unpublished Guy should obtain a masters degree, which he did—an MBA—which is practically an MFA, since it shares two thirds of the same letters.

An additional advantage of Unpublished Guy’s MBA would be a capacity to market and promote this fiction book, Ambrose Bierce Falls into a Worm Hole, that far exceeds the typical writer that finds marketing unseemly and beneath the creative writing craft. Unpublished Guy would be most enthusiastic about developing a strategic marketing plan and providing hands-on support to the marketing of the book. He would be delighted to work with an acquisitions editor to compromise his artistic integrity in order to appeal to a profitable book reading segment of the population.

Finally, you might ask, “What has Unpublished Guy publish?” It is not possible to render in words on paper (or monitor) the publishing history of Unpublished Guy. Instead, I direct you to what he has not published, so you can judge his publishing based on the publishing failures he has not had.

  • Never had a copy of a published fiction book sent to the remainder bin
  • Never received a negative review for fiction work published in print
  • Never sold his body to have an independent bookseller carry his self-published fiction book

On the other hand, he has been praised by such notable figures as ’relatives’ and ’friends’. Most notably, his heroic creative writing efforts have been transcribed in an epic that rivals the literary fortitude of Beowulf or the Iliad.

Selecting a Short Fiction Contest for Mathematically Astute Writers

Since I am shallow, I can think of no better criteria than calculating the ROI (that’s return-on-investment in business parlance) to select a fiction contest. ROI takes in account both the cost and potential payoff. A contest with $20 entry fee with a $3000 prize might be more attractive than a free contest that offers a sample copy of a special issue of a literary magazine—unless you really, really, really liked the stories in the magazine or could foretell the future and see that that particular issue would be a collector’s item worth thousands of dollars; of course, in the latter case you would need to calculate the time value of money to see what thousands of dollars received X number of years in the future would be worth to you now.

A basic ROI calculation as applied to these contests would take the entry fee and subtract it from the prize and then divide the entry fee, resulitng in a percentage. For example, a contest with $10 entry fee and a $500 prize would have an ROI of 4900%. However, this is only the case if a win is a certainty, which of course, it is not. It is therefore necessary to make a simple adjustment by applying the probability that I will win the contest and applying the probability value to the potential prize. In the example already described, I might determine the probability to be a tenth of 1%, which would be reasonable in a contest with 1000 submissions and all submitters are of equal talent with stories that are equally appealing to the contest judges. For the calculation the prize is now only worth 50 cents. When I plug this value into the equation, the ROI is negative 95%, which means I lost 95% of my investment.

This is a good start, but I will make another trivial adjustment to my costs. In my case, I have a monstrous story that will require some work. I will need to add the time I spend on reworking the story to its cost. I will assume that an hour of time is worth $42, and it will take me an hour to rework 250 words. Developing the example contest through this indisputably sound line of reasoning would result in an increased cost of $170 ($40 per hour to rework 1000 words plus the $10 entry fee.) Now, the ROI is a negative %99.7.

The prospects for a profitable short fiction contest are beginning to look grim.

Writing Cerebral Fiction is Like Gutting Chickens on an Assembly Line

Often I find writing to be a thoroughly unenjoyable task. It’s no wonder I haven’t published anything when I can’t finish writing anything. Even when I employ the Mashed Potato Method of fiction writing, I get stuck where I just start thinking too much. Right about step three when the writing starts getting more detail-oriented. Then the mental debates begin—about word choice, sentence order and structure, sorting through underlying meanings and symbolism that begin to surface and whether I should develop them. Completing the short story starts feeling like I am working on an assembly line gutting chickens with arthritic hands that are seizing up into in some malformed claws. Except in the case of writing it is my brain that gets knotted up.

I’ve always experienced the world like a big brain mounted on a pair of puny legs. Thinking, analyzing. Not a lot of doing. (Even when I do something, such as this web site, then it is about not doing something. The site after all, is unpublished guy, not published guy.) It is only natural that his should carry over to the my writing. What do I mean by cerebral fiction, anyway?

I mean writing that is less plot-driven, inward-looking to the point of being turned inside out in some deconstructed contortion, and as inert as Xenon. Just what I enjoy reading. Wish I enjoyed writing it more. When I try to break out of that cerebral mold it just gets that much worse. I start to feel like I am in the tenth hour of my chicken-gutting shift. Both my hands have ceased working altogether, and I have to resort to pounding the guts out of the chicken with the sides of my hands.

John Gardner Zen Writing Exercises

What might some of John Gardner’s Art of Fiction exercises looked like if he had a pathological obsession for Zen koans and parlour games?

4a. Describe a landscape as seen by an old woman whose disgusting and detestable old husband has just died. Do not mention the husband or death. Also, do not mention the woman.
4b. Describe a lake as seen by a young man who has committed a murder. Don’t mention the murder or the young man or the lake.
4c. Describe a landscape as seen by a bird. Only use prepositions and conjunctions.
4d. Describe a building as seen by a man whose son has died in a war. Don’t mention the son, death, war, the man, or the time of day. When describing the building, you may only mention the color of the building, what animal it is like, and whether it is larger or smaller than a bread basket.

3. Write three effective short sentences: each less than two words and involving a different emotion. Do not mention the emotion.

Think you’re up to the challenge? Share your response with the rest of us by contributing a comment.

The Mashed Potato Method of Writing a Fiction Story

As I have mentioned before, the downfall of my past fiction efforts has been an overly designed approach. I have written and completed a handful of short fiction stories using this approach, and some of them have turned out OK; however, I have not yet published a fiction story.

Recently I was inspired by Richard Dreyfus, and decided that I would create my own method of writing fiction (short story or novel), the Mashed Potato Method of Writing a Fiction Story. (I wasn’t sure whether it should be potato or potatoes. Most likely a serving of mashed potatoes contains more than one potato, but Mashed Potato Method had a better cadence.)

At this stage you have opened your word processor or text editor. If you opened your word processor, you have, of course, taken the necessary time to try out a few different fonts to see which will look best for your new fiction story. My daughter is fond of script fonts.

First, your start with a healthy dollop of mashed potatoes, malformed and misshapen in a horrible fiction story blob.
Just start writing without much thought. Cut and paste writing material from other fiction story drafts and other disconnected vignettes you may have written. Go ahead and throw in long tracts from Wikipedia that you may have unearthed while researching aspects of your story. Just keep heaping spoonful after spoonful of mashed potato fiction onto the plate.

Mashed Potato Writing Fiction Method – Step 2: Knock Off the Top

Do you now have a heap of fictional starch on your plate that has approached the size of your head? (In other words, you head is beginning to ache at the bewildering chaos of content now populating what should now be an absolute writing mess.) If so, you can now begin writing and rewriting, shaping the mounds of potato fiction until your story has a nice Devil’s Mountain flattop.

In this step, you are cutting back on a lot of the junk you have thrown into the story, if you can call it a story at this point. Deleting paragraphs, Rewriting paragraphs down to sentences or words. Reorganizing large fiction lumps from one side of the plate to another. Striving for a coherent and compelling fiction story.

Mashed Potato Writing Fiction Method – Step 3: Apply the Fork

Your story may now begin to resemble Devil’s Mountain, but it does not look quite right—time to fine tune through careful application of the fork. In the previous step, your story writing was the mashed potato sculpturing equivalent of clearcutting the rain forest. Now careful pruning of your mashed potatoes in order, attending to the detail of word choice and ensuring that no participles are dangling. I used to call this working on the crinkly bits of the fjord.

How well does this new system work? Since I have adopted this new approach to writing fiction, the results have been amazing. I think they speak for themselves. After eleven months, I have completed nearly 30% of a short fiction story. In a few short years, I will be ready to submit it to literary publications.

The Difference Between Creative Writing and Technical Writing—Eating Pigeons

What do you think a pigeon would taste like? Would it be dark meat or white meat? Do they fly as much as ducks or geese? That would mean dark meat. Do they mostly walk around on sidewalks and window ledges? Then perhaps some white meat.

The stereotype of the starving artist has discouraged many potential fiction writers. In a biography about the science fiction writer Philip Dick, I read a story about his starving writer period when he was cranking out potboilers. According to the story, he was taking pot shots at pigeons on his window ledge for food.

From an early age I read voraciously and wanted to be a writer. When I was younger, I read a lot of stories by science fiction authors like Philip Dick. I took a creative writing course in high school, and thought that I would take the literary writing path.

After evaluating a few schools, I ended up at Old Dominion University in 1992, because it had a strong creative writing program. At the time, the Associated Writer’s Program, an organization that supports writers and creative writing programs, was located on campus. (It has since moved to George Mason University, which from what I understand now has a strong program of its own.)

I started in Old Dominion’s creative writing program, taking an introductory writing course and a literary writing workshop. The head of the program, and my instructor for both courses, disputed the whole notion of suffering as a requirement for being a fiction writer. He was fond of saying, “If you need to suffer, put your hand on a table, raise a book over hand, and then drop the book. Now, that you got the suffering out of the way, you can focus on the writing.”

That should have been reassuring, and it was a little. Nevertheless, as a I progressed through the program, the fact that I would need to money to eat began to gnaw away at me. I started to think about eating pigeons. I prefer dark meat, but wrangling pigeons on window ledges made writing fiction for a living much less appealing.

Faced with the prospect of shooting pigeons on the window ledge for food, I decided to set aside the literary writing dream and exchanged it for the practical, stable career path of technical writing. I had learner the lesson: the difference between literary and technical writing.

I got a BA in professional writing, which was a hodge podge of different writing courses, including creative writing but also including technical writing and journalism. Besides, I thought I could still do the fiction bit part-time.

I went on to take an internship as a technical writer, which led to a technical writing job after I graduated. Eventually, my fulltime career moved from technical writing to marketing. I tried writing fiction on the side. I suppose some writers have been successful going down that path.

If writing literary fiction on the side had worked for me, however, I probably wouldn’t have a web site call “Unpublished Guy.” Would I have been the next John Updike? Probably not. Barely Published Guy?

So how does pigeon taste? I’ve heard it described as very dark meat with the texture of liver, but I guess it depends on where you eat it.